buried

Jij bent bij me
Tot het bittere eind

wat we hadden vereeuwigd
deze ervaring

te pijnlijk om over te praten
Dus houdt ik het binnenin

Totdat mijn hart weer kan ademen
En moedig genoeg kan zijn om weer lief te hebben

Een plaats in de tijd
Behoord ons nog toe

Blijft bewaard in mijn gedachten
In die herinneringen zit een bevrijding

Another dream

It seems like i can only remember my most horrible dreams, or maybe i should call them nightmares instead. I never realy remember my beautifull, peacefull,good dreams.
Maybe because horror has more impact on me??

Last night i had a horrible dream/nightmare again.

I was somewhere outside a building near a boulevard, i had no idea where i was exacly.
Somehow i knew i was there to have a sport competition, i gues it was volleyball (i hate ballgames by the way). When i entered the building i placed my bag outside the building cause everybody did this, knowing that this might be not such a good idea, cause someone could steal my stuff. But i did it anyway.

Inside the building i walked left from the playfield and there was my team, i didn`t know anyone, except for my mother who was in the same team. I started talking to her that i left my bag outside, with all my stuff inside and she said i should better go get the bag and bring it inside.

So i went outside again, to the place i left my bag, it was full of bags there, and mine was no longer there, i started looking for it, and finally i saw my bag laying there, but empty.
I then realised my purse and passport were in there before, and now stolen!!!
This was also the moment i realised i was in Italy, so i was in a strange country with my money and passport stolen!!!

I ran inside to tell my mother what happened, but everybody was gone.
I searched in panic, but nobody was there anymore, so i walked to a door on the other side of the playfield and there was a, sort of, kantine/bar. A big man standing in front of the door, who looked like a policeman. I started telling him what happened to me, but ofcourse he didn`t understand english, so i tried to explain in a few italian words....passaporto arrubato!!! Cercare per mio madre!!!!
The man said i should wait at the bar and he would sort it out.
So i sat down next to a woman, and started to talk to her about what happened, but she didn`t realy respond to me.

When i realised that the woman wouldn`t really comfort my feelings i started looking around for the man who was supposed to help me. I saw him at the door again , and he was locking the door. So i walked up to him a asked if he had found my mother and what i should do, he just said that i should go back to the bar and wait.

When i walked back to the bar i was thinking about why he`d lock the door, and i started to follow him with my eyes, he walked to the other side of the bar and started locking all the doors and windows. At this moment i started to feel more panic, i looked to the door where i came in before, and i saw water starting flowing in under the door.

Now i realised that the bar was going to be flud with water in no time and i would drown.
I ran to the other side and started looking for an opening.
More water flowing in...panic....looking....the man started to ran after me.....
I finally found a door that was still open and ran outside.
Outside there was a stair overflud with water and i had to go through the water, water that had a very strong currence. I had to swim like crazy to get through it and i notice the water smelled like chlorid.
So the man tried to trap me into that bar and drown me in chlorid water????
Where was my mother??
Where was my passport???
Panic........

I finally reached the end of the stairs and i was save from the water.........
And then i woke up from my dream.
I looked on my alarmclock and noticed that i had slept through the alarm and was late for work.
So i had to get up very quickly to get to work, wash myself very quick, and call my work that i would be a bit late.

While riding on my bike to work i was still thinking about my dream, what did it mean??
Sometimes i realy don`t understand where my dreams come from, but it definately has something to do with my fears, my demons, my insecurities.
No more bad dreams please!!!

Poor Britney Chat/me wasting my time on irrelevant subjects

Topic: I feel sorry for poor Britney


Topmariah: who would want a life like this??http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGubnv6G-1w

Wilma M, Holla: I didn't watch the video because I don't feel sorry for her.She can't live without the attention yet she complains about it. Selfish bitches like her shouldn't be allowed to have children.

Mickael: I watched it and i dont feel sorry for her too, she's selfish and "She can't live without the attention yet she complains about it." is exactly what i think about her.

z0mygognoob: I hate her as a person right now. What happened to her?It wasn't completely her fault that she hit that pap. They were all standing in front of her car barely allowing her to be moving at a crawl. Plus all those damn flashes are in her eyes. They should be doing that while she is trying to drive. She's always been a terrible driver anyway.

Moonstar: I think it's simply 'wrong' for people to follow an individual like paps have followed Britney. They are constantly harassing and stepping in her way. It's irrelevant how bad her parenting skills, how irresponsible a driver or parent she is or how much of mess she is in right now. It's simply WRONG for anyone to follow her the way she's been followed. I think she should film those paps and file a lawsuit against them.

Axl Rose Fan: f**k Britney

Acj: I feel very sorry for her. She is obviously crying out for help. Everyone needs to stop hating her and giver the women a hug or something.

Axl Rose Fan: f**k Britney

Sergio (me): poor Britney!!! No wonder she`s gone looney, I don`t agree with people saying it`s her own fault because she wanted to be famous, Mariah* wants to be famous and in the picture too to sell her work, and we all don`t want her to be harrased like this, I think the paparazzi is going too far to get her on film.

Axl Rose Fan: *yawns*f**k britney!!!

Sergio (me): `tever! f*ck Axl! (he`s a looney 2)

Axl Rose Fan: LMFAO @ you even comparing both of them. That really shows your level of cognitive coeherency. At least he creates far FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR better music. Besides he's a bipolar, his issues are not self-inflected unlike Britney so in both counts you loose...

Sergio (me): oke, i loose , you win, happy now?Let`s goo back to [poor] Britney now, and forget about Axl [like the rest of the world did]

Axl Rose Fan: I'll be happy when you deflowered ass burns in hell, Sunflower**! No wonder Britney has all the attention...she's been wandering around town showing off her vadge like a piece of a museum, shaving her brainless head, performing terribly yet slutty enough to caught the media's attention. She's an attention stealer alright. Axl doesnt need that, he's too busy creating quality music, unlike Britney Spears...

Sergio (me): Yeah yeah yeah Axl creates real quality, wich is played here in hell where i am, not on earth.Btw i remember slutty Axl flashing his ugly ass years ago for attention, my eyes still hurt.

Axl Rose Fan: Indeed he did. At least he doesnt have double standards...

Sergio (me): No your right......and i`m wrong, f#ck Britney!!!! Oke back to reality now!! This is going nowhere. ...............


* This chat took place at a Mariah fan forum
** My nickname on this forum is Sunflowerpetal

Haunted Trash House

I`m selling my house. The house i lived in for about 8 years.
I bought this house when i was still together with my ex-boyfriend,and we lived there for 7 years, untill i broke up with him.
After he left i tried to make it my own house, but he`s haunting me there, not physically , but his whole aura/spirit/vibe, or whatever you wanna call it, still hangs there. So i must get rid of it now!!!

While i`m packing all my stuff to move to my new house (the house from my current boyfriend) , i stumble on all kinds of things my ex-boyfriend left there, cause he couldn`t take everything with him at first, he promised to pick some stuff up later, when he was all settled, but he never did. So now i spend hours and hours on picking up his trash he left there. You don`t believe what kind of mess he left me!!!! He appearently had this habit to dumb trash mixed with his personal stuff into plastic bags or boxes and stuff them into the basement.
Now everytime i open a box or bag with his stuff, i bumb into the strangest things. Trash and his clothes, or trash and his books, or trash and his old pictures, everything mixed together.
Trash like old milk cartons or a dirty towel, or old mail ripped apart. Can you amagine how many hours i spend sorting everything? I feel so stupid i`ve never opened some of his boxes before, because i didn`t wanted to be reminded of him, and now , when i want to sell my house i have to go through all his junk. But now i decited to just dump everything he ever left.
I don`t care anymore if it`s valuable stuff to him, cause he should have picked it up more then a year ago, and now it`s too late!!!
Today i dumped 640 !!!! pound of his `belongings`.

This all reminds me of a line from a Alanis Morrisette song : `Well i`m here to remind you of the mess you left when you ran away, it`s not fair to deny me of the cross i bare that you gave to me, YOU OUGHTA KNOW!!!!!`

People pray for me my house sells very soon!!!

Love Sergio

It`s like a dream to me

Last night I had this really strange dream, it was kind of scary too.

I was at home, but my house was not the house i really live in.
This huge bed in the middle of a big room.
And when i went to sleep, the floor under the bed started to collapse, and i started to slip into the ground.
I jumped out of bed, and i graduately saw the whole floor collapsing into the earth.
There appeared a big hole in my livingroom floor, and when i looked down i saw the walls from the hole were covered with temple stones.
Was there a hidden temple under my house????

I started to call people in, to let them see what happened to my floor, and everybody acted like it was the most normal thing, while i was so scared my whole house would sinc into the floor, and worrying about what is underneath there. I started to ask everybody what i should do, and what was under there. Nobody seemed to give me any straight answers and just left, leaving me behind in this mess.
Just when i decited to climb down with a rope to see what was underneath there, my phone rang and i (luckely) woke up from my terrible dream.

My boyfriend called me to aks how i was doing, cause he hadn`t heared from me yet, normally i call or sms him when i wake up. I looked at the clock and it was 14.30 allready!!!!

I think this all is the result of going to bed late every night and standing up early every morning to go to work, I need to sleep more, and please........ no more strange dreams!!!.

What, how, why?

Since i started this blog i`m constanly thinking about what i should write. Worrying whether i want to display my private stories on the internet?, or are my stories interesting enough to read for people?. And most of all.... where should i begin?.

Today i decided i should start at the very beginning by introducing myself to you, readers of my blog, iff there are any!!! And I want to have a specific meaning with this blog, I need to have some kind of message with it, cause otherwise it just feels so useless.

What i`m trying to do with this blog is showing people what it`s like being gay, and how it effected me, cause i had some realy negative, but also positive experiences with it throughout my whole life.

I hope i`m able to open eyes for people who don`t know anything about being gay, for example parents who have a gay child and have no idea how to deal with this subject. Or people who are stil `in the closet` and have no idea how to deal with themselfs.

Ofcourse this blog is not only going to be about the subject gay, cause i have so many other aspects in my life i want to talk about. I hope you`ll enjoy reading my blogs!!!

xSergio

The beginning

I decided to start this blog, cause i like the idea of capturing my stories, ideas and memories, and ofcourse share them with the world.

First of all, my english is not perfect, but i want to write all in english so more people can read this, so there might be a few spelling mistakes. I try my best to be as clear as possible.

x Sergio